shinobu_no_okami on Autisable

Thursday, 05 April 2012

Hatred in the Autism World

I think everyone who hates loses part of their humanity. In that regard, I'm probably less human than a lot of people, but that doesn't excuse hatred. Hatred opens doors. Doors to murder, and pain, and even more heart rending emotions than the ones that comprise hatred. When you hate something, be it autism or another trait, you feel only coldness and rage toward it. That sort of emotion--or anti-emotion-- in a hater's mind, it begins to make it okay to kill to be rid of the hated thing.

By claiming hate in our world, you make it okay, even normal to hate, something that is irremovable from a person. Childhood and the A word do not make any less a person like hatred does.

I know that what some people call hatred sometimes isn't actually hatred, because they don't feel the correct degrees and absences of emotion that is hatred. But calling it hatred makes it okay for the rare actual hate to exist. Representors of this hatred, this burning desire to make something go away, go by names familiar to the Autism world. They usually kill their children, because they actually hated part of them. You want to make what THEY felt, a murderous hatred of their child's autism, okay?

Negative emotions may exist on a continuum, but the one less negative makes the ones near it partially okay. Too many people feeling deep and powerful enough negative emotions begin to make hatred, to some degree, okay. I know, from personal experience, that actual hatred leads to pain, many times physical pain, for the hated person (or person with the hated trait). I hated a majority of myself once. I self injured to rid myself of a trait that comprised who I was to a great degree. I should KNOW about how damaging hatred is, because my capacity hasn't been fully regained.

Even IF you didn't call your negative emotions hatred, negative emotions can still be sensed. I don't care how care how capable a person is, having a person you love hate one of your traits decreases your positive emotions and gives you negative emotions between yourself and the other person. IF the emotions are already low enough, for whatever reason, you could be causing them to be depressed. If they live with you, and you're all the emotional exposure to others they get, you are helping DRAIN them of positivity, and that is WRONG.

Allowing or condoning something like this, that is usually felt towards an integral part of CHILDREN in our world, is UNCONSCIONABLE. Since it damages both self and others, it is not a RIGHT, nor is anything that goes by it's name. Your negative emotions'll have to go through ME first if you want to condone anything so potentially hurtful to a child. I say this, not as a victim, not JUST as a person that has lost roughly 48% of their humanity by my own standard, but as a protector. Nobody has a right towards an emotion that even shares a name with a different, more death-like one such as hatred.

Hate, be it the most severe sort, or a lesser negative emotion, hurts other people. I have a Knight's heart, and that calls me to protect the weak, and defend both young and old. I will not cease to stand between the less capable, the protected by me, the people I hold dearest, and those who have negative emotions towards them.

Your claim that hatred is good in some cases is invalidated by the fact that WHATEVER you hate and strive against is not the only thing you are hurting. YOU HURT YOUR OWN SELF BY HATRED! I hate all that I stand against, be it sadness, depression, discontinuity, or parents/adults who would kill their own/anybody's children. This is damaging to me. Hatred should not be anyone's right, let alone a parent's.

Saturday, 23 July 2011

I Accept the Spiritual Surgery

God's done some awesome things for me this Youth Quake. I've accepted the now two year old occasion of being separated from someone I once called "Sister". She was my best friend, and when I finally accepted that she wasn't my friend or my sister anymore, it was like an amputation that I'd spent nearly two years angsting about. This was something I wrote about it shortly after I was coherent enough to get my words down.

I thought about her that way. It didn't make me happy, even though that used to be a synonymous term for happy. Yeah. I thought I'd be completely alone from a packed house, when Bro. H said for anyone struggling with that to come forward. Luckily, somewhere around 8-10-20 came forward.

Guilt and shame? Do you know what mine and my best friends relationship was and is based on? Mine and Sis. P's? Mine and J's? Mine and K's and.... L's? The power of the special interest is the love that I've poured into KNOWING each of you.

The power of the special interest after I've finished really, really, getting to know all but the last ones, is the desire to be a fighter for those people. For L, I hadn't finished figuring her out before the determination to protect came.

It was enough to keep me fixated on her, have all of my attention wasted (poured out completely, not the other use) on trying to get her back to emotional safety and *I STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED HER OUT YET* was also a somewhat major underlying concern..

The separation is MURDERING us!!!! *howl*

Now, we hop in our time machine, and fast forward to last night, after I've accepted Pastor F's decision to separate us.

I put all of my energy into loving and wanting to know those people. It wasn't enough. GOD is the only one that can satisfy my love-thirstiness.

I desired .... something I never should have. I lost one of my dearest friends, the rest of my first innocence, and my view of myself. I became incapable of helping, protecting solidly.... I became twisted. Because I didn't put God first.

I didn't put God first. If I had been listening to the Audio Bible, and writing something good and Godly, I wouldn't have read that fic. I read a yuri lemon, allowed it to tempt me, and I was forever changed. It was training. Through the darkness, God showed me light. By running and fighting against the darkness, I learned to love the best things... God Himself, more.

When I was young, I decided that I would give less to God so that I'd be able to give God more later. This was as wrong as it could have gotten. God always deserves my all. I put my friends before God.... Now look where it's gotten me.

The Devil's tempted me with a divergent lifestyle, and because of that, I lost my other god. My mind. My mind was highly efficient and capable once. I lost some of my capabilities due to the way I responded to myself once I started looking at certain ones the wrong way. I hated myself, and the mind that thought those things. I used to be a head banger, and not the kind that does it against air. What part of my brain is at the forefront? The maturity centre! I used to have a lot of impulse control. It was flushed down the toilet, basically.

Then, I started losing closeness to L because of my issues. Eventually, I'd go to my Pastor, tell him about the temptation, and this would change my life again. He said, "Stay away from her." We have spoken to each other no more than seven times since then.

I finally badgered my Pastor into letting me speak to her again. I never even got to ask her if she would be my friend again. "Yes, he did," she said. "The answer is no."

She went on a missions trip and came back. I was still hurting, natch. I was also sleepy. I murmured to myself, "Nee-chan janai desu," which is to say, "She's not my sister," in Japanese. I disowned her. My, that hurt, but it was a necessary amputation. Better to make it to Heaven with a Sasori (puppet) body than to go to Hell with my family intact. That was the main issue of what Bro. H preached tonight.

Throw Jezebel down, and kill Joram while you're at it too. Joram is your worst issue, metaphorically speaking. Jezebel is beyond the worst. Joram would've been the temptation. Jezebel is the not-putting-Jesus-first thing.

I'll be putting Jesus first! I'll learn to get help.... and I'll throw down Jezebel! Well, I'll have help, but she will be overthrown.

On this night, a visiting minister who knows us very well told us not to call our Pastor "Bro. D." anymore, like we always have. "From now on, this is Pastor F." he said, or something incredibly similar. I felt a strong remorse-like feeling for all the times in my past I'd been frustrated and resentful towards him from a distance in my past. I am very sorry for disliking him so badly. He was watching for my soul. I had no right to be so frustrated and maybe even angsty about it. I'm sad so much time was wasted, but so thankful the hurting, angsty part's all over.

God really does work everything out to the good of those who love him, and are called according to His Word! Do you think you'd have as many issues accepting God's will and your Pastor's decision if he made a decision to split you from someone you consider your family?

Thursday, 21 April 2011

The Case for Later Genetic Testing

As we all know, Autism Speaks is an organization that advocates for Autism Awareness, and works toward a cure. As they are having issues finding the latter, they have decided to work for early intervention. Early intervention isn't wholly a dangerous thing, though one worries about crushing the developing spirit. What one really needs to worry about is prenatal testing that happens too early.

The normal test for genetic abnormalities is the amniocentesis. It isn't really all that viable. You usually have to wait 'till weeks 15-20 to do this. There's a miscarriage risk. However, a blood test can be done on just the mother to see if a baby has Down Syndrome. It could be used for Autism quite easily, if we knew all the genes involved.

This would be where Autism Speaks comes in. They have a site and a way of studying Autistic genes. They have a site called "The Autism Genetic Resource Exchange (AGRE)". This is a gene bank of info made available to worldwide autism researchers. They can use this to figure out the genes that go into Autism.

Now an Amniocentesis happens only a few short weeks before abortion typically ceases to be legal, at the age of viability. However, with the mother's blood test, it can happen even earlier, making abortion that much easier for prospective mothers of Autistics.

Now, if the motive for testing is so that mothers can get early intervention for their special needs child, from the day of their birth, the test itself could be put off until after the legal age of viability. I want to see genetic testing for developmental disorders be made illegal until after the age of viability. That way, the early intervention can happen as described, but no baby will be lost because of their difference.

All I'm asking for is a little time so that my desires can be made law. DON'T let Autism Speaks use your money to get prenatal Auties killed before they can LEARN to speak.

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Why Should Christians Care About Neurodiversity?

Why should Christians care about Neurodiversity? I'll tell you. For one thing, I've seen quite a few types of brains in our Churches. Inattentive ADHD. Mild MR. Schizophrenia. Autism. Autism symptoms. More Autism. Mood disorder. Still more Autism. Maybe a few half-normal Pentecostals. That's a lot of Autistics and normal people, huh?

God loves us just as much as He loves you!

He loves sinners and saved, eccentrics and normals alike. Look, He even loves this irritating high functioning autistic I know. She can seem like exactly the sort you wouldn't want to try to understand. Turned off at the normals, and doesn't think religion is rational, and stuff.

But who are we to deny God the pleasure of any mind, body, or soul that He created through inaction?

Who are we to say that He doesn't deserve to have to deal with "that kind?" We know who we're really worrying for. Ourselves. we're afraid we're going to make fools of ourselves. :P

You know, Jesus chilled with... The Woman at the Well! Mary Magdalene! Hey, He warned Peter about his' denial. Yet He gave him the Keys to the Kingdom!

Aside from that, "let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Well?

God loves all His' children! Would you deny Him the pleasure of some, because you think He derives as much pleasure from our stereotypies as you do? You may or may not understand. But One Who Is omniscient could quite possibly see past the behaviour, and see the nonverbal communication.

In closing, I would like to say that in Church, I have seen many things that resemble stereotypies. Normal people, with intense emotion. One wonders what it would be like.... with not so normal people. When I'm at my happiest, man. You don't wanna see me like that. I mean, it looks really weird, But: I'm having fun. It's an explosive, huge expression, and I'm having a wonderful time. I don't think you guys are even aware of that particular degree of emotion. But my point is, would it not be appreciable as praise....

To One who made physical contact with Lepers.

To One who loves us so much, that He endured an excruciating and infernal battle for us.

Whether our brain has dopamine differences...

Sensory differences....

So called 'Normalcy.'

Attention issues.

Any kind of difference, really...

Well, yeah, honest expression and communication of love between parent and child would be something He desires...

Thank you.
A Confessed Sinner: What Would We Do With Him/Her?

"I told some friends about a temptation.

I've decided to not act on my Bi neuro-chemistry, because it would defeat the purpose of my love. I keep it a secret, because I live in the Bible belt. When I've told people, I've mostly been accepted. Their love and acceptance GMH."

What would you do if you were close to this person?

Biblically, we would have to hate the sin, but love the sinner. Why would we, though? It's obvious this kid's life s a disgusting mess. Or is it?

"For there is no respect of persons with God," says Romans 2: 11. Then there's the parable of the master who hired servants at various points, giving them all the same pay. The accepted meaning is, people who go to Heaven all have the same rewards. If this girl/guy showed up in Heaven, you would accept him/her because of The Change. The issue is definitely over now, and there is nothing bad about Heaven, because it's without flaw, like the Builder.

What's the difference in that, and providing Christian love and fellowship down here, to help them get there? Well, social thinking is a factor. Could God forgive Osama bin Laden? Yes. Would we invite him to Church? No. It's like that thing where if I saw Alison Tepper Singer, I'd almost rather punch her out than say, "I am so sorry that you have issues with your youngest daughter. If you'd like to visit my Church, UPC of WhoKnowsWhere, I'll help take care of her during service..."

How hypocritical of me. If Irshad Manji (semi-famous Muslim refusenik and lesbian) were in her place, I'd invite her in a heart beat! Well, it IS harder for me to accept a woman who says she was tempted for a substantial time to commit a murder-suicide with her special needs child in the passenger's seat. So, if I can learn to love her as a flawed human, like the rest of us, I think y'all should do likewise. To borrow an older quote of mine, "God loves all His' children! Would you deny Him the pleasure of some," because they make less socially acceptable wrong decisions?

Jesus died for all of us, not just the socially acceptable ones.

What do y'all think?